Stay at Home Dads

Dave Ellerbee drove his daughter, Gabrielle, to daycare every weekday on his way to work in Reservation and Tourism Sales for Icelandair. His wife, Cindy, picked her up after working as a Compliance Specialist with Kennedy Krieger Institute in Baltimore City. When she became pregnant with their son, Alexander, they realized the financial burden that daycare for two children would pose. “We talked about me staying home and I really wanted to,” says Cindy Ellerbee. Dave Ellerbee endured a layoff with the airline and Alexander was born soon after. “So, the decision was made for us,” Cindy Ellerbee says.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

In today’s economy, more parents realize the benefits to having one of them home in the role of primary caregiver over the expense of a governess or day care. According to annual figures from the U.S. Census Bureau’s Current Population Survey, more women are in the labor force, rising from 36.7 percent of the workforce in 1967 to about 50 percent 40 years later. As a result, families are no longer seeing mom as the first choice for filling the primary caregiver role. Some are discovering that dad may be more nurturing and even better in that role.

Robert Frank, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology and Chair of Behavioral and Social Sciences at Oakton Community College in Des Plaines, Illinois, studied the impact of stay-at-home dads (SAHDs) on the American family. Dads reported in his survey that their wives earned

more money and that determined their choice for having dad stay-at-home. He recommends that the person who wants to be at home is the one who should be at home, “not the one who is laid off.” Dr. Frank was a SAHD by choice. “What’s more important is the development of our children and not how much money we make.”

“There are some mothers and fathers who are not cut out for this kind of thing,” says Kurt Wical, who holds a doctorate in Family Social Science and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at the Minnesota Renewal Center in St. Paul. He prefers to use the term “primary caregiver father” as opposed to “stay-at-home dad.” He chose to be a primary caregiver father to his two sons 16 years ago. He says some fathers don’t have the personality or background to

make it a good fit and, for others, the loss of a common identity with other fathers who work hinders the transition. “The children most often come out ahead when the father stays home by choice and wants to be involved with them.”

Considering such a drastic change may pose a dilemma. If you’re not sure whether it’s a good fit for your family, read on to learn what parents face when dad takes the job of full-time child care provider.

Identity Crisis

There are the usual concerns when making the decision to be a stay-at-home parent, including isolation and the loss of professional identity. A stay-at-home dad may face a stigma that if you’re a man and you’re at home, you’re unable to find employment or you’re “taking it easy” while your wife supports you.

“They’ll need to be proactive in finding commonality with other fathers, dads in a social circle, that they can do things with,” Dr. Wical says. “Not having a sense of identity was probably the hardest thing for me. I remember going to functions where my wife works and

they’d say, ‘What do you do?’ When they heard I was the primary caregiver of my son, they’d then say, ‘Oh’ and move on. That was a bit of a hard thing.” He adds, “My brother would say, ‘My brother is Mr. Mom,’ and I’d say, ‘No, I’m not a mom, I’m a dad.’ There is that frustration.”

Kyle D. Pruett, M.D., Clinical Professor of Child Psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine and Director of Medical Studies at the Yale Child Study Center, states in his book, “Fatherneed,” that dads in the nontraditional setting of primary caregiver feel more isolated than do moms as primary caregivers, nearly two to one.

“A lot of dads feel isolated in the first six months or year,” says Dr. Frank. “I recommend they stay in contact with their profession, whether it be part-time or keep up certifications, and that’s true for stay-at-home moms, too.”

Let’s not forget the impact on mom. Dr. Wical explains that, when a child does run past her mom to her dad for comfort, it can be hard for the mom not to be the parent her daughter relied upon for comfort. In his practice, he remembers a mom who felt she wasn’t a good mom, because her husband was the primary caregiver to their children and it was threatening to her. She was used to being the primary parent, even when they both worked full-time.

Cindy Ellerbee reflects on the ups and downs of being the financial provider while her husband is the primary care provider. “Some benefits of having Dave at home are that we always have childcare and I never have to take a sick day. The downside was that ... we had role reversal fights in the beginning. ... It took a lot of getting used to,” she says.

Couples will need to recognize that there are going to be some issues with mom giving up her primary caregiver role and dad giving up his worker identity role. Dr. Wical says nurturing the husband and wife relationship is important to making these role changes successful, and dads who have a supportive wife will feel more secure in that role and in their relationship with their children.

“We worked it out,” says Ellerbee. “Dave always gives me the night routine so I will feel some ownership and have a special time with the kids. This also gives Dave a break.” The Ellerbees have kept this routine for years. “Now I'm used to it and have changed my schedule so I can be around more in the mornings.”

Parents will need to consider what they’re taking on. Dr. Wical warns, “In some ways, it will be a sacrifice. ... Dad will have to struggle with that identity piece as a primary care provider and, when he’s looking at getting back into the work world after the children are older, he may be behind his colleagues.”

Rewards or Consequences?

Both. It’s a leap in a whole new direction. With the threat to career and identity, the prospect can be daunting, but it has been done before, and quite successfully. According to a report from the Department of Health and Human Services on promoting responsible fatherhood, entitled Charting Parenthood: A Statistical Portrait of Fathers and Mothers in America, sources conclude that this role change could have a positive impact on a child’s social competence, academic success, and personality development, that are different from the effects of the mother-child relationship. The report goes on to say that father involvement, particularly in his children's school activities, is associated with children having fewer problem behaviors, like drug use and delinquency.

Being a primary caregiver dad is a fantastic thing for dads to be contemplating, according to Dr. Wical. “It’s going to be great for the children and great for the father to bond with his children.” He may find that it’s what he does well.

Dr. Frank says, “It’s the most important job of your life. Enjoy every moment. Just being there is a positive influence on your kids.” He says in his book, “Parenting Partners,” that what he remembers as the highlights of his life are not the successes he’s had professionally, but

instead it’s special moments he enjoyed with his children that stand out in his mind.

He also found through his research that dads learn on the job just like moms do. The only difference he found for the children where dad is the primary caregiver were positives ones, such as if the child wakes in the night and both parents are there they go 50% of the time to

mom and 50% of the time to dad. Traditionally, children will go to mom 80% of the time and to dad 20% of the time.

The rewards are enjoyed by the whole family. Gary Long, who worked in manufacturing plastic extrusions, and his wife, Rose, who works with the Lancaster County Planning Commission in Pennsylvania, decided that he should stay home with their children, Michael and Sheila, after realizing their lifestyle was too stressful. “We wanted one of us to be home for the children. ... We were both coming home and rushing to get dinner ready, looking at homework, and so forth. Although the money was good our family life was affected,” says Gary Long. “[Now] our family life is better and the marriage relationship is better and stronger. It’s more of a team effort. We’re both committed to the same goal.”

But, It’s Not Just A Stroll In The Park. ...

“... it’s 24/7 forever,” stresses Dr. Frank. “It’s not a nine-to-five job.” 

“This isn’t going to come without cost, but it’s really going to be a benefit to the children. For the children’s sake, it’s worth it,” says Dr. Wical.

Dads contemplating the role of primary caregiver need to know that life is going to be very different from how it used to be. “You’re not going out to work every day, you’ll get looks at the park and questions about why you’re not working. My advice is to learn as you go and ask a lot of questions and enjoy the time you have with your children, because that time can’t be recouped again. Look at it as positively as possible,” Dr. Frank says.

A dad considering staying-at-home can expect that his duties will typically include taking the children on jaunts to the grocery store or to activities like preschool or swim lessons. “It’s a ... whole new responsibility ... a whole change of thinking for my family, like ‘what’s for supper’ or ‘what do I need from the store',” says Long.

“I love my sons,” Dr. Wical says. “We had some fun, but most of it was mundane: changing diapers, making food, keeping house. It’s not always a great time.”

Ellerbee remembers that, at first, there were neighborhood play dates he wasn’t invited to. “I don’t think they intentionally overlooked me. I just think they didn’t see me in the same way that they saw stay-at-home moms,” he says. Dr. Frank suggests that dad take the initiative. “If you’re comfortable, you’ll be ok. ... Invite moms over to your house and have play dates. It’s like having any new job. Just learn what’s expected and move into that role,” he says.

It comes as a sad reality for those accustomed to primary care fatherhood that their children aren’t under their full-time care for long. Although the primary caregiver role doesn’t have to change when the kids are in school, many at-home dads do choose this time to return to work.

Dave Ellerbee is eagerly training to be an Emergency Medical Technician. “This will bring another transition in our lives, but I'm sure it will work out,” says Cindy Ellerbee. “I'm glad the kids could be home with one of us in the early years. ... Most children see their dad in a different role.”

Dads wanting to be the primary caregiver to their children may find it reassuring to know that the number of dads taking on that role is growing. The Census Bureau reports there are 159,000 primary caregiver dads caring for 283,000 children. That’s up from 143,000 dads in 2005. Sixty percent have two or more children and 35% have children younger than three living with them.

If those numbers aren’t comforting enough, Dr.Frank says the actual number of SAHDs is well over 2 million. “The census doesn’t count dads who make any income. Also, the way they ask the question on the Census survey isn’t getting the correct answer. If a child is in daycare from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. and the Census asks who the primary caregiver is, people say mom is, not daycare.”

Gary Long offers words of encouragement with an adage we should all remember, “At the end of your life, you’re not going to look back and wish you worked more hours, but you may look back and wish you spent more time with your family.”

The prospect of not being taken seriously as a returning member of the workforce is one important consideration before leaving a career to be a stay-at-home parent. Preparation is key.

“Employers are going to be reluctant toward anyone who has been out of the work force for more than six months,” says Kacy Knight, an Account Executive with Custom Staffing in New York City. His advice? Remain an expert in your field. There are trade magazines or Web sites where you can go to keep abreast of recent developments in the industry; you may not have access to software, but keep your software skills up to date (if required in your field); and keep in touch with your past coworkers and clients. “It’s sad, but who you know is a really big asset. If you’re not in touch, people won’t remember who you are. Stay in front of their mind,” he says.

Knight also suggests being on all the Web job boards in your field. “The biggest challenge you’re going to have is getting your foot in the door. You’re competing against people who, on paper, look much better than you. Your resume could end up in the circular file unless it has a real good cover letter.”

Concentrate on professional skills. Be prepared and don’t wait until you’re ready to return to work to begin your career reentry plan. Grow your knowledge base and take courses if you need to. Libby Gill, a frequent media expert on changing gender roles at work and at home, says in her book “Stay-at-Home Dads: The Essential Guide to Creating the New Family,” that you must get your confidence level up. She suggests networking and attending informational interviews to help.

Don’t consider informational interviews a waste of time just because you’re not interviewing for an open position. Knight says, “Any opportunity you have to talk about yourself and market yourself you should seize. Informational interviews will get you back into the

environment you haven’t been in for a while, and gets you back into the lingo and culture. It’s a good networking opportunity as well. It could lead to a position.” He adds, “Research is so important. Tap into resources, online resources, talking to coworkers. Networking is the most important thing.”

Be mindful that a gap in your resume may impact your returning salary level and increase your difficulty in getting a job interview. Knight says that employers look at a resume in about a 20-second process. They look at the last company you worked for then they look at the dates of your last employment. “Be flexible, but don’t sell yourself short. Seek the job you want, but be flexible when it comes to salary,” he recommends.

Leaving full-time employment for a more trying job without monetary benefits is daunting for most people, regardless of gender. Keep in mind the perspective of Robert Frank, Ph.D., on what he deems the greatest experience of his life. Dr. Frank was a primary care father while working part-time in his private practice, even running a stay-at-home dad convention. He says, “I didn’t have problems going back to work, except that I missed the kids a lot. I would take the stay-at-home job over this one anytime. The stresses were different. The politics were different. It was a comfortable time.”